Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
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I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.