Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
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A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”