Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
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Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
My dress code is business-casualty.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
✌🏽
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.