5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80