This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
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6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.