shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
You Might Also Like
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.