The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
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I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
For the ones in the back.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.