Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
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Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?