My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
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“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.