[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
You Might Also Like
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!