HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
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ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Oh we’ve met.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.