Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
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had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I just tested negative for patience.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out