how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
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out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count