god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
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He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.