I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
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I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!