It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
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I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
The 4 stages of a family vacation
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
😅😅😅
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause