Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
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I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I hate everything
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.