me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
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Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Always 🥴
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
yeah 😭
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.