Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
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To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate