This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
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My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
this country is so goddamn polarized