Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
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[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Thursday Thought.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want