My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
You Might Also Like
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]