Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
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I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
me before I type out affect or effect
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Sing it!
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Breaking news:
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re