I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
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Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I am crying
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.