Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
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Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.