If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
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Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.