[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
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4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Botany good plants lately?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!