My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
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Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Botany good plants lately?
Canadian owl: Eh?
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??