I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
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first you must answer his riddles
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
wtf management?!
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine