I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
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I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?