My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I have so many questions.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.