I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
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Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Look, a pure bread cat!
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Everyone’s family
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.