Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
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Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.