once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
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My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
black phone good
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.