once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
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*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*