Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
This 4th of July, please remember…
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.