Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
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Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.