Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
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First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I am all good here, 😂😉
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Probably my best painting.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
lol
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.