My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
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major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot