My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
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A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.