My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
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*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Last-minute gift idea!
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty