Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
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No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.