I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
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Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Autocorrect is my menesis
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?