Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
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I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.