I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
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I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Me if I was a dog
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope