the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
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Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE