Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
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I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me, in DM rooms…
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Yup
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office