Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
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The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Well well well…
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.