Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
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Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
S M O L
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this