I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
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Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?