DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.