“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
You Might Also Like
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.