My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
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Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I am all good here, 😂😉
Google reviews are always so mixed..
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Me in tagged photos
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Am I having a stroke?
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.